Parodoia
by Candy Cane Jones
Summary: Collection of parodies of HP story genres, beginning with Harry Ginny. Each chapter is its own story about a HP stereotypical story. Rated 'M' for language and suggested themes only, nothing very graphic.
1. A Funny Lil Harry and Ginny

"Hello Ginny," said a deep, sexy voice. Ginny Ashleigh Michaeline Gretchen Weasley was sitting in Diagon Alley, drinking tea at a little shop. She looked up to see the person she least expected, yes, least expected to see: Harry James Potter. _He's just so handsome_, she thought. _And now, it is time for quick and unimaginative backstory! Let's go!_

Ever since Ginny had turned seventeen, and left Hogwarts to work at becoming a Healer (to "heal" Harry after he defeated Voldemort of course), she had been thinking about, but definitely not expecting to see, Harry Potter. Nope, not expecting at all. Not one jot. He had been off, traipsing around the country with a sexually-involved Ron and Hermione, looking for Horaces, or Whore Crusties, or something like that. As soon as Ginny saw him, she was instantly angry. _Whore Crusties, that bastard!_

Ginny stood up quickly, knocking her tea all over her tight white shirt. Her miniskirt was instantly drenched as well. Now that you mention it, Ginny was _entirely_ drenched in rainwater, wet and voluptuous like an Amazon princess, and now wearing a white, very short dress that clung to her in a lot of perverted places.

"Harry! I hate you!" Ginny burst into tears, and very hot and powerful tears they were. "You left me to pursue danger and adventure! I loved you! I do love you, but forget you heard that because I was supposed to only be thinking it! I'll tell you later! You are an idiot because you try to protect everyone by distancing yourself from them! Arrgh! Exclamation! And by the way, would you kindly pull this dress material out of my ass! It's uncomfortable!"

Harry eyed Ginny, his interesting green occulars full of love and lust. He ruffled his raven tresses, pulling his pitch-black locks off his white, bescarred forehead. _I'd better give them an even cheesier, more sexual description of me_, he thought to himself. _As if, being people who read and write fanfiction, they didn't already know what Harry Potter looked like! Backstory!_

Harry Potter had been indeed running all around the country with his best friends, doing all sorts of dangerous things that could make interesting stories but naturally are less important than Ginny in a tight dress. He was very tall now, with a shaggy mop of really attractive black hair and brilliant large eyes the color of the healthiest grass ever. He was still wearing the glasses, but due to his excellent bone structure and super-hot body, they only made him look _even more gorgeous_. Harry had been lifting dumbbells regularly, figuring that the eventual battle with one of the most magically-adept wizards ever would amount to a fist fight. This and his night runs and morning jogs and bajillion crunches a day are excuses for Harry's incredibly nice body and rippling muscles. _And yet_, reasoned Harry,_ it is possible that no one has thought that Ginny is extremely attractive as well. Perhaps I'd best describe her through my viewpoint—_

Harry had destroyed all of the Horcruxes, but that is barely important to this story so we'll start a new paragraph because no one cares about that.

Harry had been dreaming of Ginny (whew, _much _better paragraph) whilst doing dangerous things all over the country. He noticed now that she was even prettier than before (here we go again), with luscious, fire-colored hair, gigantic blue eyes, and a smattering of orange freckles. Was it mentioned that Harry was becoming sexually attracted to Ginny? Because if it wasn't then you ought to know that Ginny had grown up and filled out big time, and after an unsatisfying fling with Draco Malfoy Ginny Weasley became the prettiest babe on the planet. Ginny was now also sexually attracted to Harry, but it would be dull to repeat the same thing another time (authrs note: lik I looove harry n ill bet hes super sexii in real life ;) :) :D : P ) D P o.0 v.0 and whatever other smileys you can think up).

"I have been training, and now I am very muscular," Harry informed Ginny. "You are noticing this now. Let us contrive a sequence where we fall on top of each other, or into each other's arms, or some other sexual position. Then, after we have a passionate round of intercourse during which you are impregnated, I will fight off hundreds, nay, _thousands_ of dementors and Death Eaters. My shirt will be torn off. You'll kiss me because I'm hot and powerful."

"How about you kill everyone else first, and we need to repopulate the world with out children, and then all the people we love come back to life? And let's work on that Death Eaters/dementor army now, because wow, here comes Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange, and an _army of thousands of dementors and Death Eaters_!"

"How you temp me vixen!" cried Harry, standing upright, eyes blazing, wand pointy, lightning and thunder crackling in the background. "And isn't it nice how conveniently we've forgotten about Voldemort, except that he is somewhere in the vague future?"

"Yeah. Let's kick some ass Harry! You first," shouted Ginny.

"You killed my beloved godfather!" roared Harry, blasting Bellatrix to itsy, dark-eyed bits without remorse. "And you spawned one of my most hated enemies who is often seen snogging Ginny!" screamed Harry again, turning Lucius into a very blonde pineapple and _then_ blasting him into itsy bits.

"Notice how we have also forgotten about that fantastically greasy enemy, Snape!" shrieked Ginny, pointlessly elbowing a random, 7-foot-tall Death Eater who immediately fell to the ground, dead.

"And how we have such cool and varied words to describe our verbalizing!" yelped Harry. He then screeched "_EXPECTO PA-FREAKING-TRONUM!_" Naturally, Harry's version of the spell is more effective than aeons of magic put together. An army of diamond stags erupted from his wand, tearing the dementors to shreds and eating them. Harry performed some seriously evil kung-fu, vanquishing Voldemort who doesn't even get a speaking part. During all of this, Ginny slowly begins removing her clothing.

"And take that! And that!" hooted Harry, dealing blow after murderous blow to the Death Eater/Dementor/Inferi/Dragon/Acromantula Army. Harry pushed his raven locks out of his face as he bellowed for the final time, shirt accidentally tearing off with the force of his roar,

"AVADA KEDAVRA, YOU PITILESS BASTARDS WHO KILLED ALMOST EVERYONE I LOVED!" And so immediately everybody in the camp (including Professor Severus "No Speaking Part" Snape) died a miserable death. Harry immediately sat down on a tree stump, because this entire battle took place not in Diagon Alley, but in Hogsmeade/mountains/Hogwarts grounds (authrs note: omg did i not make this clear b4? im soo stupid lol lmao roflmao).

"Ginny, I am now dealing with sadness and inner turmoil because I killed someone. Will I become a vicious monster like Voldemort, Ginny?" sobbed Harry, face in hands. Ginny paused in her strip routine, and clad only in a black bra-and-panties set, she put her arms around a weeping Harry.

"Listen Harry, ur th—I mean, _you're_ the only one for me!" Harry immediately stopped crying (and manly tears they were) and looked up at Ginny.

"Oh Ginny, I realize I love you, but I don't want to ruin your life!" Ginny immediately got angry once more.

"Why does this always happen to me? All I usually want is sex, but you're different Harry! I'm always angry with you in these stories because I love you! And I'm always wearing yellow! And look, my bosom! LOOK AT IT! YOU'RE ATTRACTED TO IT!" Harry smiled weakly.

"You are right, Ginny. I am. I see that now. I am about to declare my true love for you, but first…

"Let us refer to ourselves by our full names, using interesting middle names that we (a) know to be true (b) have heard other people using and we think that they sound right, although we can't be sure or (c) have blatantly made up ourselves."

"Harry, that happened in the beginning of the story!" pointed out Ginny Ashleigh Michaeline Gretchen Weasley. "Bloody hell!"

"What?" asked Harry, confused.

"Oh, just trying to make this thing sound more British by inserting a random, stereotypical phrase! Oh look, I've just set the English back a hundred years!"

"Oh, good," agreed Harry without quite knowing why. "But c'mon with my idea, please?" Harry got down on one knee, and pulled out of his robes a shiny gold ring with an enormous sapphire the color of Ginny's eyes.

"This was my mother's," said Harry quietly, placing it on Ginny's finger. Ginny staggered under the weight and managed to keep upright only by clinging to Harry. "I want you to have it because you are special and my true love. Ginny Ashleigh Michaeline Gretchen Weasley, will you marry me?"

"Oh Harry James Potter!" squealed Ginny joyously, clutching Harry to her shapely bosom and sobbing. "Yes, yes of course! I love you too!"

"Great," muttered Harry thickly, trying desperately to breathe. "Ginny, you know what I just realized?"

"What?"

"We're in a sexually compromising position."

"Wha…? Oh," said Ginny, only now realizing her half-nakedness and Harry's face in her chest. "Ah, well. But Harry, I now must become modest, and ask what will happen if someone finds us?"

"Well, I forgot to mention that every single person and animal on Earth died during my battle with the evil folks. So you and I are the only ones left."

"Oh Harry!" cried Ginny, leaning back to she could look at a now-standing Harry. "You do love me!"

They kissed. And snogged. And while this was going on, the landscape was changing around them. Soon they were standing on a white beach, the cool blue waves in the background and a grassy meadow stretching off the far end of the sand. Harry and Ginny broke apart, panting in each others arms.

"Wow, this is the perfect place to have babies!" exclaimed Ginny, looking around at a cute beach bungalow that appeared randomly.

"Yes," said Harry, looking excitedly at Ginny, "it is." And so they did. After five intensive hours (the sun hadn't moved at all), Harry and Ginny had their own brood of lovable little kids, toddlers, and babies. And so they named them.

There were Lindsay, Kelsey, Raine, Grace, Hope, Larissa, Tammi, Lily, Molly, and Jade Potter. They were beautiful girls with black, red, black, black, blonde, red, red, red, red, and green hair, and let's not even mention their eye colors. Then there were the boys, named Matt, Jesse, Connor, Blaine, Albus, Sirius, Remus, James, Ronald, Arthur, William, Charles, Frederick, George, Dobby, and Moscow Potter. They also had a set of boy/girl twins, named Taylor and Tyler, who were cuddly babies.

"Aw, Harry," said Ginny, busily nursing the twins. "What could make this possibly any better?"

"If the people we loved were alive?" suggested Harry, who was teaching sons 1 to 5 and daughters 2, 3, and 4 to play Quidditch.

"Well, I—" There was a boom of light. Suddenly, Dumbledore magically appeared with the entire Weasley family. Then popped in Sirius, James, Lily, Remus, and Peter, all seventeen years old. Professor McGonagall showed up and Dumbledore cracked open the firewhiskey.

"A toast!" he cried. "To Harry Potter!"

And was everyone drunk, including Harry and Ginny's giggling children.

The End.

**As you might have guessed, even those author's notes were parodies. This is definitely not the end to this story, as I have plenty of complaining to do about Lily and James stories and unlikely pairings and Mary Sues and AU stories that are only called that because they are too bad to be realistic. (snark snark snark) )**


	2. An All Purpose Lily and James

"I hate you I hate you I hate you!" shouted Lily Marie Dianna Evans on a bright summery day on the Hogwarts Grounds.

"But EVANS, I looooove you—" began an attractive boy with messy hair and hazel eyes.

"NO!" Lily slapped James Christopher Potter in the face. He stumbled backwards into his best friends, Sirius Orion Big-Dipper Black and Remus John Joseph Romulus Lupin. Peter Willard Pettigrew was eating something somewhere (a/n: I _so_ wish I didn't need to put Petr in this story, he is such a spazz and I hate him! DIE FAT BOY! tee hee. arnt I cute lol lol lol)

"That sucked," pointed out Remus helpfully as Lily turned and flounced off. Remus immediately began to read a book. Was it mentioned that Remus is helpful, quiet, and smart about everything?

"Heh heh, _sucked_," said Sirius Black, who was constantly making a sexual joke about something since being good-looking obviously means that he is a prostitute.

"One day, one day, my true love will listen to me and come fluttering into my arms!" sobbed James dreamily, staring off into the distance as his cheek turned bright red. Peter continued to eat. Sirius cleared his handsome throat,

"Prongs, Prongsie, James, Jamesie, Jamie, Jimmy, Jimmy Jim Jimbo, Prongso—"

"Yes, Padfoot? Sirius? Siri? Pads? Padders? Padderly MacDougall—"

"Why the hell do we make up such stupid names for each other? We can't make nicknames out of _nicknames_!" shouted Remus abruptly, uncharacteristically angry.

"And has it occurred to no one that we are teenage _boys_? I mean, for Christ's sake, this isn't _slash_ you idiots! No straight men call each other 'Pads' and 'Jamie'!" And naturally no one had an answer to this. The author decided to punish Remus for his moment of sense and ignore the previous paragraphs.

Remus slumped over into a boring book, muttering something that sounded like, "Never mind." Peter ate. James and Sirius recovered from an awkward moment; James returning to drooling and Sirius returning to leering at everything in panties.

"Anyway, like I was about to advise you about women because I am so sexy…" said Sirius smugly, because that's what he was, "…Prongs old chap, you'd better let Evans go. She hates you."

"My flower does not hate me!" whined James petulantly, beating his chest with his arms. Peter responded to this by eating some more.

"All I need is one more day to convince her to looooove me—"

"It's the end of sixth year," assisted Remus. And it was.

"Oh damn."

…

Several weeks later…

"WHAT! YOU'RE THE HEAD BOY, YOU BULLYING TOE-RAG—"

"Now now Lils," said James complacently, "why do we always have to exactly rip off J. K. Rowling's description of me? You know I love you!"

"I'm still angry!"

"I've changed for you! I am mature!"

"I don't want to admit it!"

"What?"

"Never you mind!"

The next moment, six people poured into the Head Compartment on the Hogwarts Express. Sirius winked suggestively, Remus read a book, Peter ate. Then there were the other three, who were all girls and Lily's bestest friends ever.

Cameron Summer Mahoney was a spunky blond girl who was an excellent Quidditch player and instrumental in bringing Lily and James together. She was an adorable blond tomboy that no one could resist because she was just that cool, outgoing, and lovely. Her eyes were blue and bright and she thought everyone was hot but Peter Pettigrew.

Marilyn-Elise Beatrix Monrovia was another good friend of Lily's. She was tall and busty and had dated every boy in the school except the Marauders. Marilyn-Elise's hair was often dyed different colors. Today it was a curly purple. Her makeup was perfect and her low-cut robes were the envy of everyone on the train. Obviously, she was _not_ interested in the hottest boy in the school, Sirius Black, who was also not interested in her. Hah.

The final girl was Evelyn Paulette Jameson, a shy but pretty girl whom everyone loved. She loved studying and helping others and being kind to everything that breathed. Evy was less confident than Lily's other friends, but being the most gentle had its uses. Especially when snagging Remus Lupin later—'nuff said.

"Lily, we just wanted to say we loved you, and make fun of you and Potter, and make suggestive motions towards his friends—"

"Except me!" cried out Cammmie (yes, _three_ 'm's) who was eying another hot Gryffindor boy whose name was something like Otto Von Hot-British-Boy, which makes no sense whatsoever.

"Yes, yes," agreed Marilyn-Elise, slowly moving closer to Sirius Black, "but we'll skip it and leave now after asking the Million Dollar Question: Is Potter really so bad?"

"YES!" shouted the very red-haired, green-eyed Lily. Everyone nodded and left.

"Lily," said James in a humble voice. "You dropped your handkerchief, here—"

"Oh James, you _have_ matured!" cried Lily triumphantly, except that this happened days later in the private Head Common Room that is never mentioned in the books.

"Yes, Tiger Lily, Lilyflower, Lils, Lils-a-lot, I have," agreed James, still miraculously humble and shy. They were sitting on a red futon in their own cozy common room. Lily laid her head on James' chest.

"James, I blow at Transfiguration? Teach me?"

"Sure, because I need your help at Charms and because I am not grown-up."

"Excellent," replied Lily, just as Sirius stuck his lipstick-marked face into the room.

"Heh heh. _Blow._."

"Sirius, what are you doing here?" asked James, putting his hand through his hair seventy times just to make up for not doing it before now. Sirius stepped into the room, followed by Marilyn-Elise, Cammmie and Otto, Evy and Remus, and Peter and a sandwich.

"We just wanted to tell you that Marilyn-Elise and I unashamedly had sex, and that Remus and Evy are all cuddly and cute now, and that Cammmie and Von Hot-British-Boy are sucking face too!" cried Sirius cheerfully, playing with Marilyn-Elise's platinum blond streaks as she fastened herself to his arm.

"Oh, and Peter is eating a sandwich." Peter squeaked and looked fat. Cammmie stepped forward.

"Lily, James is actually perfect for you. Hook up with him?"

"Oh Cammie, you are brilliant! I am so happy for everyone" cried Lily, leaping right on top of James.

"Hey, guess what?" asked a psychotically jovial Sirius. "Arse!" Everyone stared.

"What…? Just trying to make this thing British…" The friends all nodded knowingly and mouthed "oh". Then Sirius led everyone away and they found separate broom closets, except Peter, who ate.

"Jamiekins, I love you," whispered Lily while gazing into James' hazel eyes.

"Lily Willy, I love you too," agreed James. They kissed. A lot. While snogging, they killed off Peter Pettigrew, who was incidentally eating a sandwich at the time.

The End

**I expect I'll be adding in more LJ snarks…this is just one of the overview of almost every LJ story…**


	3. An Impossible Interloper Lily and James

"So what's going this time? We're reliving seventh year?" asked red-haired green-eyed Lily Marie Corinne Evans from her compartment inside the Hogwarts Express. She was sitting on the lap of James Christopher Ignatius Potter, a very attractive boy that she was still pretending to hate even though they were going out.

"Apparently the real author of these stories is very angry with most Lily-and-James stories and intends to do a lot of them, so I think we'll be doing this several times," suggested James Potter's best friend, Sirius Orion Polaris Black.

"But we're not supposed to talk about the real author, because we ought to be going on about the fake author that the real author is personifying, who we will refer to as the real author from now on," added Remus Jehosaphat Lupin from his seat in the crowded compartment.

"What?" asked a very stupid and fat Peter Dana Pettigrew from his seat on the floor, where he was secretly plotting the deaths of everyone on a piece of parchment.

"Shut up," said Sirius impatiently. "We've got to launch into those great descriptions of James and me, and then Remus, which make us sound like demigods of love."

"I'm good with that," said James, pausing to kiss Lily's nose.

James Potter and Sirius Black were without a doubt the best looking boys in the school, and they had gone out with every pretty girl in the school but now James is stuck on Lily like a colourful tsetse fly on a dying cow. (a/n: I thnk that metafors make literature more interesting and sophistickated. especially if I add faintly british spellins everywhur. don you all agree? or wait, was that a similee? gosh, I dunt kno where my brain is sometimes, even tho I obviously have a high opinion of myself and my writing) James Potter had windswept black hair that was always pleasantly tousled over his interesting hazel optics. Sirius Black had glorious hair the colour of his name that hung gracefully in his stone grey eyes. Both were tall and well-built.

Their friend Remus Lupin was another very good-looking boy, with sandy brown hair and kind brown eyes. He had a very nice smile, but at this point the author gets bored of describing people and stops putting in effort until it comes to madeups.

Peter Pettigrew is a fat flabby freak that everyone hates. The end of him.

Also in the compartment appeared Lily's best friend. In this type of story, Lily only has one friend who is more outgoing than she, involved with Sirius Black, and fantastically interesting. The two of them together are the prettiest and most sought after girls ever. Speaking of which,

Joellyne Karma Champagne was a gorgeous girl with soft blonde hair and big violet eyes. Her curves were practically perfect and she was excellent at Quidditch and kissing. She was sitting on top of Sirius Black, who was rather smug because a hot madeup had appeared in his lap.

"I'll get a nice one later," retaliated Remus.

"What?" asked Joellyne, who was not yet wise because the author hadn't said it yet.

"Nothing," muttered Remus. Joellyne was wise.

"Lily, I'll give you advice later. As for now, you only hurt the ones you love." Everyoen nodded sagely.

"Let's play Gobstones."

"Peter, you're fat and no one wants to play Gobstones with you," pronounced Sirius.

"Okay."

"We're here now," James stated.

At the Sorting, something very interesting happened.

"Ahem," said Professor Albus Dumbledore, clearing his throat. "We at Hogwarts are honoured to welcome a transfer student this year, who has been sorted into Gryffindor and is waiting in the common room to be discovered by the other seventh years."

"Shit," said Sirius.

In the common room, where the adventure really begins.

"I think that's him! I'm vaguely attracted though I'm not going leave James even if he suspects it, and I want to be nice to this boy!" said Lily.

"I want to bully him," said James and Sirius in unison.

"I'll help, though I'll read as well," offered Remus.

Peter was ignored, because he was thinking about his miserable life.

"Er, shall we meet him first?" asked Joellyne. (We told you she was wise) They walked up to the new boy.

He was tall and rather good-looking. He had wavy blond hair, a very nice smile, brilliant blue eyes, and an easily forgivable flaw. Let us say, he was too trusting. His arms were muscular but very nice looking and his teeth were white and straight. There was something interesting about this boy as well, which was that he had an antenna sticking out of the back of his head. He held out his hand.

"Hi! I'm Justin Lovitt—you can call me Juss—and I'm a transfer from Cadbury—"

"Just shove it!" cried out James and Sirius jubilantly. Remus snorted.

"Oh dear," said Lily. "I forgot all of these new people have names that are easy to make fun of!"

"Hah hah! Juss Lovitt, just shove it!" sang James and Sirius, holding hands with Remus and doing a little victory dance at having been so clever so very quickly. Peter sat alone, still plotting death and a midnight snack.

Remus broke the ring-around-the-rosie and sighed.

"If I have to dance every day, this is going to suck." He turned in the general direction of the author.

"Can we _please_ have someone else with a different name?"

Instantly, another boy popped up out of an armchair. He was tall and handsome and had long black hair that he had done up in a ponytail to fall down his strong back. His eyes were as bright a green as the pustules of an infected victim of the plague (a/n: lolo, rn't I such a metaphor freak? hehehe). In his strong hands he held a thick black wand that glittered with diamond on the tip.

"Hello or bonjiorno," he held out his hand solemnly. "I am the new transfer from Kent, my name is Castellazio Focaccio Illigeni IV. I am a displaced Italian prince—" (a/n: im takin Italian at my school but ima still no good at spelling, lol lolol)

"Nevermind," said Remus hastily, "because in _those_ stories everyone forgets to give me a nice Mary Sue!"

"Er, who cares?" said Sirius, putting his hand on an inappropriate part of Joellyne's eye-catching body. "I have mine. Besides, the princes are always assassinated by pixies or—"

"I can't make fun of his name!" whined James. "We need someone else!"

A third boy climbed in from the window and fell to the floor of the common room. He stood up and dusted off his luxurious red robes. His hair was curly and as brown as Honeydukes chocolate and his eyes were the pale blue of sapphires. He also held out his hand, and his redeemable flaw was being too vain. The interesting thing about him was the parakeet strapped to his head, which happened to be squawking out Chopsticks.

"Hello and oy, mates, my name is Prescott Novick—" The Marauders laughed maniacally.

"That's easy! He's Got No Di—"

"Sirius!" cried Lily, wringing her hands as Sirius shrugged and began kissing Joellyne as James hexed Prescott. "That's even worse! We'll take the first one!"

Suddenly, Prescott's parakeet turned into Voldemort's son and killed him and the Italian prince.

"Ciao…" coughed Castellazio before he died and the diamond from his wand made Voldemort's son evaporate. (a/n: im soooo good at writing plot twists lollollololol, noooooooooooone saw that one coming! am I not the next j.k.r. or wat?)

"So why do you have an antenna on your head?" asked Lily to Justin Lovitt, who was now the only new boy.

"Part of some prophesy that I don't know too much about. I'm here for protection against the Dark Lord, and I think you're pretty."

"I'm Lily," said Lily, and they shook hands.

"Lily, how can you like this guy? He's so…trusting!" shouted James, immediately in a jealous rage.

"I peed on my rabbit once," said Justin. "And I also wet the bed until I was ten!"

"Arrgh! I can't stand his blinding honesty! And the way he flirts with you! I think you like him better than me even though all evidence points to the contrary!" cried James, clutching his handsome head.

"James, I like honesty, and you are not always honest because you keep things from me like where you go once a month with Remus and Sirius and Peter! So now we're broken up!"

"Did I mention that I like you? And that I like wearing beaded bracelets from Hawaii?" chimed in Justin, being very truthfully as was his wont.

"Dammit!" James stalked off to bed. Remus followed because there was nothing else for him to do. Peter did too. Sirius did too, but later because of Joellyne. The author has decided to stop here, because she is now no longer interested in writing anything not having to do with Lily and Justin and James, nevermind that this is booked as LJ story.

…

At breakfast, the conversation went something like:

"This antenna allows me to hear what the Dark Lord's dead mother is thinking! I am trusting you all with this information! And I like the Care Bears!"

"It's okay, Justin, I will be your friend."

"Dammit!"

…

At lunch,

"Wow, thanks for teaching me those Charms Lily! Did I mention that my Uncle Bephirus knocked up a waitress from the local Mickey D's one time? It's our family secret!"

"Maybe you should be less open, Justin."

"Dammit!"

…

Dinner

"Good golly, Lily, I want to help you and James get back together because you and him are so perfect even though I had feelings for you."

"I'm glad, because I don't like you in that way. But wait, you _had_ feelings, Justin? As in, in the past?"

"Well now I kind of have the hots for Professor McGonagall—"

"LOVITT! DETENTION!"

"Dammit to hell!"

…

The next evening, although this took place over weeks and weeks to flesh out the tale, Peter burst into the common room on Lily and James, who were finally getting along. As usual, James was seeing that Justin was not so bad as he had first seemed (even though he didn't _really_ like him) and the three of them were sitting together on a couch.

"James! It's Remus, he needs us!" James stood up in a flash, looking (to Lily) determined and proud and strong and handsome all at once. Justin ran off to the bathroom, because he is not supposed to be in scenes like this.

"I must go!"

"But James!" cried Lily, throwing her arms around him, "I really like you now! Why are you always leaving me?"

"Lily," said James in a strong voice, putting his hands on her shoulders and staring straight into her eyes, "Remus is a werewolf. He needs me. Sirius, Peter, and I can change at will into different animals to help him. I am a stag. I love you. Will you join the Order of the Phoenix with me?"

"Oh, me too, and yes!" shouted Lily joyously. Justin returned from the bathroom, tweaking his antenna just as Lily was petting a James-stag on the head.

"Guess what guys? I have to go to Dumbledore! I just found out all the Dark Lord's secret plans! And they

…

…

…

**Why the sudden end? Because the real author has never read past this point in an interloper story**.


	4. A Horrible Harry Slash

Disclaimer: AU, OOC. Rated M for mpreg!

A fairy-winged Harry sat sobbing in his room, staring at two pictures in green frames: Severus Snape and Draco Malfoy.

_How could two wonderful guys like that like fat old me?_ he thought tearfully, blowing his nose on a wad of pink tissue. _I'm such a spoiled little bitch_

…

…

…

**At this point the real author (who is not a slash fan or a mpreg fan or a fan of teacher-on-student anything) realizes that she has clicked on the wrong story (damned broken mouse!). Just to make sure she scrolls down the page and catches words such as "cuddles" and "tickle wickle" and "Professor, ohhh Professor". She hurriedly hits the back button and looks stealthily around her living room, hoping that no one was reading what she was looking at on the computer. **

**Apologies for the short chapter, but I could not aptly describe my slashfic experience any other way ;P **

**More to come later in other, more disturbing genres.**


	5. A Not About Lily and James

Disclaimer: I own nooooone here, these are all JKRowling's characters. Although if I had one wish, I would own Sirius.

Hi, it's me, the author, siriusblackbeatupurmom here. I just wanted to say that this is my first LJ story and I am super excited! I hope you all like Sirius' madeup girl. She looks like me ;)

.-.-.-.-.-.-.

James Potter and Sirius Black strode off the Hogwarts Express onto their school grounds, just beginning their seventh year. Both boys were tall (though Sirius was taller) and both had black hair (though Sirius's was blacker). James had hazel eyes and glasses.

Sirius Pollux Black, meanwhile, tossed his glossy head of hair, the color of the raven's wings. His stormy grey eyes coolly surveyed the warm castle grounds while his black robe billowed against his perfect figure. Sirius was the best-looking boy in the whole school, nay, in Britain, double nay, _in the world_, and he was looking for a true love to perfectly complement his perfect personality this year.

"Oooooooh Padfoot, it's Lily!" cried stupid James Potter. Sirius Black naturally realized that his best was falling in love with Lily Evans and smirked, pursing his gorgeous full lips.

"Prongs, why don't you talk to her?"

"You know Sirius, you're right."

"I am always right," he drolled in his deep voice.

"That's true," pointed out pitiful James with his crooked teeth. "Hey, Padfoot, they are getting into that carriage! What should we do?"

"Follow them?" suggested Sirius with his characteristic sophistication.

"Yeah, yeah, great plan!" And so they did.

Moments later, Lily Evans and her best friend, Kirsten Longoria, found James Potter scrabble into their carriage, looking stupid and not as good as Sirius would have doing the same thing.

"Hi, Lily!"

"Potter!" Lily was disgusted. "I hate you! You're a bullying toerag and not even that good-looking! Where's Sirius? I want to see him because he is so handsome." The carriage began rolling softly up the slope.

Suddenly, there was an animalistic scream from outside. The thestrels pulling their carriage had gone berserk! The compartment careened madly, heading for the lake.

"Oh no!" cried Lily in terror. "Who can save us now?" They cowered in terror.

At that moment, they heard a stern voice from outside. Kirsten, a violet-eyed blond, peeked out the window and squealed out in joy. She clasped her hands.

"Sirius is riding the mad thestrels! He's soooo dreamy!" And this was true. Wearing riding chaps under his robes, Sirius Black had wrapped his long legs around the bucking thestrels who had somehow left the line of carriages without hurting anyone else. He rode magnificently, holding on with his single pale pinky on his left hand. The wind pulled his hair back from his sculpted face as he cried, "Yee-haw!'

"Ohhhh," Kirsten fainted. James stepped over her prone body.

"Oy, mate!" he hollered. "We're going right into the lake! And that squid looks angry!" Lily was fanning the faint Kirsten back into conciousness. She was muttering things like "Sirius…snog…ah…"

"No problem!" called back Sirius, not even out of breath. He was more handsome saving other people than he was at any other time of day, and some people just weren't up to handling it. "I'll rope the thestrels with this string of minty dental floss!"

"Are you sure you don't need the citrus flavor?" sobbed ugly James Potter, immediately breaking out in acne. Sirius flashed another white-toothed, devil-may-care grin that sent Kirsten back onto the floor once more.

"Prongs, do you doubt my dental floss?"

"You do what you can, Padfoot," intoned James solemnly. "I'm behind you and your floss all the way." Sirius pulled out a small white packet from his pocket and tied it around the invisible thestrels. All was going well but as Sirius pulled back to rein in the thestrels, Voldemort suddenly appeared and snipped the dental floss with his evil garden shears!

"Oh shit!" cried James frantically, tearing out first his hair and then Lily's. "What'll we do. what'll we do?" The Dark Lord cackled maniacally.

"You'll die! Die! Ahahahahahaha!" and then he vanished. Instantly, however, the carriage was imbued with calm as Sirius opened his lordly mouth to released great proverbs of wisdom and comfort.

"Damn. Prongs, we'll need to resort to plan B."

"What's plan B?" cried Lily and/or James because in this story, they're both scared women.

"The spells I made up in five seconds that I taught you!" shouted Sirius magnificently from atop the raging thestrel.

"Ah hah!" James whipped out his wand, momentarily impressive so this can be used as meager fodder for the LJ relationship later on. "Ready, Padfoot?"

"I was born ready."

"I thought you were born serious."

Sirius flashed his usual smile, blinding Lily and James.

"I'm losing consciousness again…" Kirsten was gone.

"On three!" The lake was perilously close.

"ONE!"

"TWO!"

"THREE!" The two boys shouted different incantations, James calling out,

"_Carriagus brakeus!_" whilst Sirius delivered a fantastic

"_Thesrellius calmus!"_ The carriage screeched to a halt, the thestrels soothed. Sirius vaulted off and landed lithely on the ground, whipping his hair from his eyes, taking the distance to the carriage in two easy lengths of his long legs.

"Is your friend okay?" he asked kindly, looking at the beautiful and not-so-cognitive Kirsten.

"She was just blown away by your skill. You two were wonderful!" beamed Lily.

"I know," Sirius replied humbly.

"Better get those riding chaps off before Kirsten wakes up or she may suffer a bypass, Padfoot. You know about girls and your chaps."

"Ah hah hah, James you are soooo funny!" giggled Lily, instantly overcome by James. They wandered off to the castle, James giving Sirius a huge wink of eternal gratitude.

Sirius looked after his best friend knowingly, giving a sagacious little nod at his own clever matchmaking skills. He turned back to the crumpled form of Kirsten.

She was beautiful, he had to admit, with luxurious flaxen curls and a perfect figure. Sirius knelt over her and tenderly scooped her into his strong arms, studying her face as he walked to Hogwarts castle. There was a teensy smudge of dirt on her white cheek and Sirius brushed it off with his thumb, feeling horrible for being so callous at his treatment of Kirsten by not preventing that smudge from occurring. He now knew that he was irrevocably in love with her. The soft touch of his calloused thumb woke her from her daze and those purple peepers opened tentatively, her red lips arranging into a glorious smile.

"My rescuer," she murmured, touching her delicate finger to his stubbly cheek.

"Will you marry me?" he asked with love, love, love shining in his slate eyes.

"Oh, Sirius!" Kirsten cried, throwing her arms around his neck as he kicked open the double doors to the Entrance Hall and then strode right into the dinner feast. "Of course!"

Everyone immediately stood up as they entered and the students began clapping, Lucius Malfoy falling prostrate in front of the triumphant Mr. Black. Professor McGonagall wept into her robes at the sight of him. Professor Flitwick set to work on composing a symphony in his honor. Peter Pettigrew wet his pants and Lupin just went gay.

"Sirius, Sirius, SIRIUS!" the students began chanting in unison.

"SIRIUS SIRIUS SIRIUS!

SIRIUS SIRIUS SIRIUS!

SIRIUS SIRIUS SIRIUS!

SIRIUS SIRIUS SIRIUS!

SIRIUS SIRIUS SIRIUS!

SIRIUS SIRIUS SIRIUS!

SIRIUS SIRIUS SIRIUS!

SIRIUS SIRIUS SIRIUS!

SIRIUS SIRIUS—"

"WAIT!" cried Lily loudly, shoving Alice Longbottom off the Gryffindor table to stand in the goulash herself.

"I have something to say." All eyes, including those love-struck ones of Sirius and Kirsten, turned to Lily, waiting for the call of an encore.

"I love James," she said. There was a pause.

"So what? I do too," said Severus Snape, unimpressed. Several people would have nodded in agreement but then they quickly looked as Sirius and modified their sexual orientations appropriately.

"No, no, I mean, _I_ love James. Me. Lily Evans. That means the story is over now," concluded Lily. "I mean, let's face it, this story sucks. It better be over now." And since it really did, it really was. The end.

**Yeah…okay then. Just getting something off my chest that I keep running into… I love it when people intentionally mislabel their stories…**


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